Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Hmmm.... thoughts....

So I took a test this morning, just because I DO NOT WAIT WELL. My appetite is somewhat less wolfish today, as well (which honestly is kinda nice because I was getting tired of eating so very much!). The test was negative... but it's still quite early. I really SHOULD wait until Saturday (although now I have to put pregnancy tests on the shopping list).
It did get me thinking, though, reproductive-wise.
Fact 1: I've been off the patch for just over six months now.
Fact 2: The hormones from the patch, pill, shot, and other chemical birth control can continue to mess with you for "up to six months" after going off of it.
Fact 3: Kittyboy was conceived maaaaybe two WEEKS after I went off of it last time (we weren't aware of Fact 2 at the time).
Fact 4: Kittyboy was born about a week after that six-month mark - so, shortly after the last of the hormones were done affecting my chemistry - and his birth was sudden, dramatic, and bizarre considering I was 25, totally healthy, first pregnancy, and had no risk factors for ANYTHING, let alone severe, early HELLP Syndrome.
Fact 5: No one has a clue what causes HELLP. No one. They barely have any idea what to do about it even, except deliver the baby as soon as safely possible.
Fact 6: Hormones affect EVERYTHING, no matter the reason you're taking them. The whole reason I quit the patch was that my moods had been getting weird (which I'd passed off as related to depression) and I felt desperately like I needed to pump (as in, breastmilk, as in I can tell you why dairy cows moo when the milking is late) which was definitely hormonal and not depression-related at all. The first month off the patch, EUPHORIA. Wow, oh wow, was I happy. And over the past few months, my moods have gotten back at least closer to what they were before the patch.
Fact 7: I was either on the patch or pregnant for the last almost six years - how do I know what my normal appetite is? Is it normal to forget to eat until mid-afternoon? Hmm, prob'ly not. Had just toast and coffee for breakfast this morning - as I would have in high school and all through college, before I got married and went on the patch. A "normal" breakfast for me, not just coffee but also not a plateful of food. (Kinda like my moods - not spitting nails, not euphoric, but just normal)
Fact 8: When last I was pregnant, my already small appetite diminished even further. I would eat maybe 3/4 of a cup of food at a sitting, and feel so full I wanted to throw up. "Your appetite will increase naturally," my left foot. That's not normal any more than forgetting breakfast and lunch.
So I'm thinking. Given all this - is my appetite just going back to NORMAL, playing catch-up first (as my moods did a few months ago)? If so - if my body is now TOTALLY back to what it should be, I'm eating like a real person and not a bird or supermodel - could it be that now I'm physically ready to carry a baby again? Which I wasn't before? Maybe I'm not pregnant right now, but ready and able to be? Maybe if I DID get pregnant now, it would turn out better than last time.
I've been torn between excitement and alarm all this week - because of Kittyboy's abrupt entrance to the world, and because regardless of how I "feel", any doctor who sees my records will call me a high-risk pregnancy. Gee, it'd be so nice - but oh my gosh, bed rest!! And the what ifs... what if the baby's born even earlier? What if I need to go to the hospital in the middle of the day and Husband's at work and I don't have anyone to watch Kittyboy? How do I do this??? But the more I think about the timeline of my last pregnancy, the more I think the next one should go a LOT more smoothly.
If I have a daughter, we'll be having Discussions when she's getting married and looking at birth controls. The patch was the safest we could find that actually prevented pregnancy and doesn't just abort one spontaneously if it happens, and the more I experience and learn, the more I find that that's serious stuff. It's not something you want to mess with if you can avoid it. I mean, I know women who are on hormones and NEED them, because their cycles are irregular and painful otherwise, but I think it should be treated like any other serious medication, not just "Oh, you need contraception? Here you go!" It's NOT without side effects, it's NOT harmless, and it CAN be dangerous. And it can mess with you in ways you don't even realize at the time. It definitely messed with me. Eating the equivelant of one or maybe two good-sized meals a day for six years? No wonder Kittyboy was so small...
Now I WANT to be pregnant!


Pres. Kathy said...

I pray that God's Will be done.

Mimi said...

Prayers and hugs.

Caeseria said...

"God's Will be done" is what was in our minds when we ditched the patch in November - it had at least been long enough since the c-section that I could get pregnant again without tearing anything, and the hormones were obviously becoming a problem. It would be soooo cool if I WERE pregnant tomorrow...